Brunch. A deal you cannot refuse.

It’s the weekend, so you get to wake up later than usual and the Northwest clouds are magically blown away to reveal a sun you were assuming didn’t exist in this heartbreak town.

“Let’s do something special today!” says EVERYONE. Why don’t you cross the bridge to Portland and finally try that restaurant you’ve been hearing about everywhere for brunch. GREAT IDEA. 

To be fashionable nowadays we must 'brunch'. Mr. Guy Beringer, in Hunter's Weekly.

 Brunch is usually served in the late morning replacing both BReakfast and lUNCH, so you get to skip that bowl of bran cereal with tea and get enough calories for two meals. Brioche French toast with maple bacon? Smoked Salmon Eggs Benedict? Fried Chicken and Waffles with Caramel Butter? Uh yeah, Ill sacrifice my digestive regularity for that. AND you get to drink numerous mimosas sans the guilt. It’s a sweet day ahead.

4 HOURS LATER…

You are overstuffed and sleepy with all the carbs needed for a week.

You are left with no money. (Each piece of bacon was how much?)

You realize its already six o clock and you can say goodbye to any plans of exercising or even moving for the rest of the day.

You are angry as hell. But you couldn’t take it out on the restaurant employees, because hey it’s not their fault.

You can’t believe you fell for this crap.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

You recognized the restaurant thanks to the crowd of people standing outside. You get your name down on the list and they say it will be about an hour. Well we are already in Portland, an hour is not that much. You walked around hungrily for a while, spending even more money on all the adorable shops downtown. An hour has gone; the hostess says you are next on the list. Your tummy is growling. Names get called, a two top, a five top, a ten top; excuse me Ms. Hostess I thought we were next. “You are, they have been waiting three hours though”. Oh that’s fine, cause you have only been waiting two and a half, your head is feeling a little light. If you could think straight, you would leave. Finally you get seated and this gets even worse; you get the communal table. Do I look like a friendly person? Do you really think I want to have strangers sit across from me and stare at my food and me, trying to eat it? Talking to your party requires shouting and after hearing your neighbor’s conversation you will be glad Betty finally had a divorce. You choose anything on the menu, JUST BRING ME FOOD. Oh yes the food is delicious; sweet and salty, crispy and tender and fresh from the pan. But, you are done in about ten minutes. And now you can’t wait to leave.

I have been studying Portlanders for a while now, and though they’re a highly evolved compassionate kind, I have yet to find the reason for this brunch ritual to be considered satisfactory. Is it really worth it to spend most of your time on your very precious days off waiting for waffles? A more pleasant meal can be enjoyed for dinner around the same price in a lot less time.

Surprisingly, I found out that Bobby Flay and I share this brunch-hatred, although the reasons are different. This is what he stated in The New York Times:

[Chefs] hate cooking it and they hate thinking about it. Saturday night tends to be the busiest of the week, and they've probably gone out to have a few drinks afterward. Suddenly it's Sunday morning and you have to come in and cook eggs.

Oh Bobby, I love that angry face of yours.

For future mornings that require a “special” menu, I will resort to Alton Brown and his delicious granola. You can find his original recipe online, but I make a different variety every month by altering some ingredients. It takes two hours to make and you can stay in the comfort of your home.

Almond, Cherry and Ginger Granola

-3 cups rolled quick oats.

-1 cup slivered raw almonds.

-1/4 cup whole flaxseeds.

-1/4 cup + 2 T brown sugar.

-1/4 cup vegetable oil.

Raw almonds. Crystallized Ginger, Dried Cherries.

-1/4 cup maple syrup.

-1 T salt

-1/2 cup chopped dried cherries.

-1/4 cup homemade chopped crystallized ginger.Which you can actually make! Another episode folks. 

1) Pre heat oven to 250 degrees F. Mix oats, almonds, flaxseed and sugar in big bowl.

2) In smaller bowl or measuring cup, mix oil, syrup and salt.

3) Toss both mixes together and spread over two baking sheets evenly.  

4) Bake for about an hour and fifty minutes stirring every fifteen minutes for even color.

5) When golden brown, let cool on rack and mix in dried cherries and ginger.

6) Will keep in sealed container for over three months, but I bet it won’t last that long.

Infinite possibilities of eating your granola; add more fresh fruit, yogurt, almond milk, over ice cream, inside a waffle or a pancake, or in a baggie for munching while you are waiting in line to go BRUNCHING. 

With Greek yogurt and fresh pear.